Monday, June 17, 2013

Hey, Single Mom, Where'd You Go?

I know, I know.  You don't have to tell me.  I've been slacking lately.

A few of you may be wondering where I went.  What happened to all the giveaways, the DIYs, and the general rambling about cloth diapers?  Well, as hard as it is for me to write this, it's time.  I started this blog for myself.  I was bored, I needed something to keep me busy.  But now, this isn't just for me.  It's also for you.  So, here it goes.

I have severe depression.  I've dealt with depression for most of my life, starting as early as I can remember.  Maybe 3rd or 4th grade.  For a while, thing were better.  I was off my anti-depressants, I was getting out and doing things.  Then, I became pregnant with my daughter and found myself in an abusive relationship.  Getting out of it wasn't the hard part, the hard part was what came after.  I was verbally assaulted on a daily basis for months after leaving my relationship.  I won't repeat most of the things that were said to me, but I was called terrible names and even had my life (and the life of my unborn baby) threatened by my ex boyfriend and his friends.  I became afraid to leave my home.  I even had to move to a new neighborhood, because my ex would show up at my house uninvited.  So I moved in with my grandmother, but never felt any safer.  Finally, after changing my phone number, deactivating my facebook and moving, the abuse stopped.  I'm not sure why I never called the police.  I think I was too afraid that it would anger him more and he would act on his threats.  I just wanted him to leave me alone, and eventually he did.

But my life didn't go back to normal.  I was still pregnant and alone, and I had lost all of my friends in the process.  I held it together for most of my pregnancy, but once I gave birth, I couldn't hold it in anymore.  Ever since, I have been dealing with depression again.  I'm trying to learn to cope with it, and some days are worse than others.  Some days, I just sit on my couch and cry.  I'll go for weeks at a time without talking to much of anyone.  Other times, I'll try to keep busy.  A few months ago, I fell in love with plants.  And that helped, for a while.  At one point I did a lot of crocheting.  Now, I can't even look at my yarn.  Lately, I've been very lost and stuck.  The best way to describe how I'm feeling is laziness I can't control.  It isn't that I don't want to write for you, or go out and make friends, or even get into therapy.  I can't.  There is something inside me stopping me from doing it.

I hope that I can push through this and begin writing for you regularly again.  I have a giveaway planned for the next week or two.  I have a few more personal posts I'm working on, including how I feel about my daughter's first birthday and a little about the man I've been dating.  For the past few weeks, I haven't been able to make myself do much.  I've been sewing a lot of mama cloth/cloth pads(and selling off the excess HERE), baking a lot of cookies, and doing some extra babywearing.  Hopefully, I can squeeze writing back in there.

Thank you to everyone who has patiently waited for this post.  Thanks to all of you who enter my giveaways, subscribe to my blog, and like me on facebook.  You help me more than you know.

5 comments:

  1. We're still here....keep taking care of YOURself, and the LO!!

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  2. Depres
    sion is such a devastating illness and many refuse to acknowledge it as an illness. I do hope you have found professional health and if you are not happy with your therapist find another and another until you find one who clicks with who YOU are not how you feel they want you to be. Have you joined some mommy groups? You will find support and friendships I would have been lost without the support and am still friends with the wonderful moms I met 25 years later even though we are geographically apart.I shall keep you in my prayers and please let us know how you are doing!!!!!!! Take care! (((hugs)))

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  3. Take care of yourself first and foremost! We'll be here when you get back to regularly blogging.

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  4. This touches me so much. I know this may have been a little difficult to right this where many people will read. This post has inspired me to be even more upfront and honest with my readers like you. Some things in life that happens to us are sometimes are hard or or can be hard to say out loud. But I admire you for putting your story out there. You will continue to heal from all your troubles. We are here for support and to listen :)

    Mz Pittman

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